Dear Friend,
Who do you believe yourself to be?
That is an important, yet often overlooked question. It was the central theme in a coaching session I had with a leadership client this week.
This client came to me hoping to become more disciplined, organized, and focused at work. He knew what he needed to do, but old behaviors kept getting in the way. We could have focused our efforts on improving his discipline and productivity. But that’s boring. I sensed something deeper needed to shift.
A belief change.
Through the coaching process, my client realized he was unconsciously committed to upholding an old identity which was keeping him stuck. When he became aware of this, a door swung open, and he stepped through. He was ready to change who he thought himself to be so that he could become the transformational leader he knows himself to be.
Our identity, or the story well tell ourselves about who we are, has to change before our behaviors can change. This is a core principle in James Clear’s book, Atomic Habits. I think too many of us miss this point and the power it holds.
Our identities are such a core part of who we are that it can be difficult to notice how they impact our habits. There are the more obvious ones, like our social identities (race, gender, class) and the roles and responsibilities we hold (mother, daughter, spouse, doctor).
And then there are the subtle, unseen identities we form internally. “I am someone who pushes through no matter the cost.” “I am someone who hates vegetables.” “I am someone with social anxiety.” “I am someone who doesn’t express my emotions.”
These are beliefs that become identities we hold onto. And for good reason. They developed based upon our experience moving through life. Call it what you wish (childhood wound, trauma, social conditioning), they formed as adaptive strategies to deal with stressors and challenges.
As a coach, I’m not in the business of resolving these so-called “wounds.” That’s the role of the therapist. I stay in the present. I help my clients bring attention to their patterns, practice radical self-acceptance, take responsibility for how they keep the pattern alive, make a commitment to change it, and create a system to hold themselves accountable.
It takes practice. But the more we take action inspired by our new identity, the more it reinforces that identity and the behaviors that coincide. It becomes a positive feedback loop.
And so, to change your behaviors, start by changing who you believe yourself to be.
“I am someone who [rests when they feel tired] [prioritizes relationships over productivity] [speaks kindly to myself] [exercises regularly] [volunteers once a month] [leads with compassion].”
Who will you choose to be?
Your partner in transformation,